Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster,
the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person
who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there anyone else there in your house?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the Boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," whispered the child.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is
that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed
hushed voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the
hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss
asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled
giggle:

"Me."

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation
is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special
thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at
the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at
the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and
Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness:
GOD IS GOOD. Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The choir invites any member of the congregation who
enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at
the side entrance.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items
to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make
calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00
to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical
accomplishment.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight
of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which
the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The
pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
discontinued until further notice.

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich
Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of American
History, he is called back to meet the sales manager.

"You say you have experience selling books?"

"Lots of it," replies Jim.

"And you have a Master's in American history from the University of
Michigan?"

"Correct," replies Jim. "History is my field of study."

"Well then," says the sales manager, "As soon as I can complete this
form, we can get you started in the firm."

While the sales manager is making a few notations, Jim, obviously
pleased with himself, begins to whistle. Looking around the room, he
notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls.

Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says,
"Fine looking men. Your partners?"

Well, one day an atheist moved into the house next door. Over  time,
he became irritated at the little old lady. So every morning he would
step out onto his front porch and yell after her, "There is no Lord!"

Time passes with the two of them carrying on this way every day. Then
one morning in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto
her front porch And shouted, "Praise the Lord! Lord, I have no food
and I am starving. Please provide for me, oh Lord!"

The next morning, she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge
bags of groceries sitting there.

"Praise the Lord!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!"

The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted, "There is no Lord. I
bought those groceries!"

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "Praise
the Lord! He has provided me with groceries and He made the devil pay for
them!"
 

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception
room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which
bore his full name.  Suddenly, I remembered that a tall
boy with the same name had been in my high school class
some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any
such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face
was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had
attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1957."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

The big night arrived. Bob made his way onstage in front of
the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the
week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The MC
stepped up to the mike.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final
question. You know that if you correctly answer this
question, you will walk away $50,000 dollars richer. Are you
ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence -- the crowd went nuts.
He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, yours is a two-part question. As you know, you may
answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the
question is always easier. Which part would you like to
take a stab at first?"

Bob was becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't
believe it, but he was not sure, but American History
was his easiest subject, and he played it safe.

"I'll try the easier part first."

The MC nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you
the second half first, then the first half."

The audience grew silent with gross anticipation...

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it
happen?"

Pilots don't need much school.  They just have to learn to read
numbers so they can read their instruments.

I guess they should be able to read a road map, too.

Pilots should be brave to they won't get scared it it's foggy and
they can't see, or if a wing or motor falls off.

Pilots have to have good eyes to see through the clouds, and they
can't be afraid of thunder or lightning because they are much closer to them
than we are.

The salary pilots make is another thing I like.  They make more money
than they know what to do with.  This is because most people think that
flying a plane is dangerous, except pilots don't because they know how easy it
is.

I hope I don't get airsick because I get carsick and if I get
airsick, I couldn't be a pilot and then I would have to go to work.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front  door to the
house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A  lamp had
been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one  wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and
the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on
 the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under
the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of
clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that
something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom,
still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked
up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered
and asked,"What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come
home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

The problem was that the poor man had died on the mattress, and I
wanted to replace it with a new mattress, with my next paycheck.  I really
didn't want to sleep on a bed that someone had died in.

My mother-in-law-to-be heard the story.  She urged me not to be silly
and to use the perfectly good mattress instead of spending the money on a
new one.

My mother-in-law-to-be soon came for an overnight visit.

The next morning she came out of her bedroom, and immediately asked
me how I had slept, and I told her I had had a great night's sleep.  She
promptly reminded me of how I had foolishly wanted to buy a new mattress, and
that I didn't appear to have suffered much sleeping on a bed that someone
had died in.

I quickly answered that I had indeed bought a new mattress, and it
was she that had slept on the poor man's mattress.

Its really fun to watch people's faces turn that many shades of
"pale"!

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the
motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-
pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear
and a superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint
on all four walls of a 20 by 20-foot room.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words
"Uh-oh," it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and
lots of it.

A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36 year old man says they can only do it
in the movies.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing
baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a
2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a
four-year-old.

Super glue is forever.

McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to
know.

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool
you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jello.

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though
TV commercials show they do.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

The fire department in San Jose has at least a
5-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not
make earth worms dizzy.

It will however make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when
dizzy.

The other day I went to the local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk
if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly uplifted that
day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed
by a truly thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it
on my bumper. Elsie, I'm so glad I did! What a joyous and uplifting
experience followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how wonderful He is - and I didn't notice that the
light had changed. Elsie, it's a good thing that someone else loves Jesus
because if he hadn't honked, I'd never had noticed! I found LOTS of people
love Jesus. While I was sitting there, the chap behind me started honking
like mad, and then he leaned out his window and screamed, "For the love of
GOD!  GO! GO! Jesus Christ. GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader for Jesus he
was !

Everybody started honking! I just leaned out my window and started
waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few
times to share in the sweet love with them! There must have been a man from
Queensland back there because I heard him calling out something about
a "sunny beach"...

I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
high in the air. I asked my teenage nephew in the back seat what that meant.
He smiled and said it was probably a Tasmanian good luck sign, or
something similar. Well, Elsie, I've never met anyone from Tassie, so as a
gesture of love and togetherness, I leaned out of the window and gave him the
good luck sign right back. My nephew began laughing joyously - it was clear he
was enjoying this religious experience, too.

A couple of people were so caught up in the rapture of the moment
that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me and waving their
arms in joy. I think they wanted to pray or perhaps ask what church I
attended.   However, this is when I noticed the traffic lights had changed, so I
waved to all my sisters and brothers under God and, smiling happily, I
drove on through the intersection.

When I drove through, I noticed I was the only car to get through the
intersection before the lights changed again. I felt somewhat sad
that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car
down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Tasmanian good luck
sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord, Elsie, for such wonderful people!

Love
Ada.

Supervisor: "Imagine you were sitting here alone
and you learned there was a train coming from the
North on that track, and another coming from the
South on the same track. What would you do?"

Pete: "I'd throw this switch right here and put one
train on the other track."

Supervisor: And what if that switch didn't work?"

Pete: "I'd go down to the track and throw that big
switchlever there, putting one train on the other track."

Supervisor: "And what if that switchlever didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd come back here and call the dispatcher
to stop both trains."

Supervisor: "And what if the phone didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd go to that gas station across the street
and use their phone."

Supervisor: "And what if their phone didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd go get Uncle Joe."

Supervisor: "Uncle Joe??? What would he do?"

Pete: "Nothing, but he ain't never seen a train wreck."

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to
your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and
carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well
financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They
are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every
year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec.
25.

It had been a horrible week for Henry.

An entomologist at the local university, he was up for a promotion
this year. With the promotion would come tenure. But there was a problem.
It was not that he couldn't teach. His Biology 210 classes were always
packed and two years ago he was honored by the undergraduates by being
named their favorite teacher.

No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a successful
research project in several years. The last paper that he'd published
was three years ago. In an age of "Publish or Perish," this was not a
good situation, particularly for a non-tenured professor.

The week started with a shock. He received notice that his research
grants would not be renewed for the coming year. And, if that was not
enough, the Dean called him into his office to tell him his contract
would not be renewed unless he had a paper accepted for publication
by a major entomology journal before the end of the school year.

Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning lecture was
over
so that he could work in his garden. In the past, this had always had
been effective in relieving tension. But to his chagrin, he found most
of his roses were dying. On closer examination found they were
infested with a paasite.

But what were these insects?
They appeared to belong to the order Anapleura. That was strange.
Anapleura infected mammals not plants.

He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a species
of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.

He gathered up several specimens, and rushed to his lab, full of new
vigor. He examined the insects in detail and rapidly wrote an article
describing this new species of insect.

Well, I'm sure you know the result. The article was immediately
accepted by the American Journal of Entomology. His job was saved and he
received his most coveted tenure. And, he received a new major grant to study
this new species.

You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf
 
 

The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try
a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection,
so a jury was impaneled.  And the trial went very quickly -- after only an
hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested.
The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room
to deliberate.

After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury
had not returned with a verdict.  The case had in fact turned out to be every
bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have
been back in minutes.  He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they
needed anything.

The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, "Are they close to
reaching a verdict?"

The bailiff shook his head, and replied, "Your honor, they're still
doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman."

The face of 22-year-old student Jo Shepherd now adorns billboards all
over the Thai capital, Bangkok, and he is mobbed by female fans
wherever he goes.

Jo, from Bristol, England, had spent three months travelling in
Thailand and was about to return to England when a friend suggested he
attended an acting audition "for a laugh".

Hoping for a part as an extra, Jo was staggered when Oscar-nominated
director Bhandit Rittakol offered him the lead role in the film
Tigress the River King.

Jo reveals, "I was just amazed when they told me I had the lead part
- I really can't act at all. I've never even been in a school play. They
wanted a guy who could grow a beard quickly and could act drunk - that's no
problem at all for me."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's
mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and
watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot
across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable
and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around
to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in
the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to
push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws
himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and
again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the
garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and
waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts
cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are
you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius? It's the second time
this week he's forgotten his key!"

He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, "You have a
little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of
coffee, because there may be another one." Swampy turns a little pale
and leaves.

Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the father
of twins, but the nurse cautions, "There is another on the way, so call
back later."

At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes
to a bar and has some beer. When he phones the hospital again he is told
that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he
stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch.

Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that
he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket score. When
they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong: "The
score is ninety-six all out," says the voice, "and the last one was a
duck."

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've
had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke
down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just
sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the
house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner
tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling,"
she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes.  I'll be over in
half an hour.  I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook
your dinner for you.  I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I
know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now
stop crying. I'll do everything.  In fact, I'll even call George at
the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?

"No, this is 223-1375."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean
you're not coming over?"

The junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches and
pains.

Neither one could account for his trouble. Arriving home from work one
night, he informed her.

"I finally discovered why I've been feeling so miserable. We got some
ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today
that I've been sitting in the wastebasket."

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner... as well
as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast,
because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In
this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the
earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.

4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because
they are always five pounds off... to your advantage.

5. Always go to the bathroom first.

6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.

7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've
weighed in, completely naked, of course.

8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at
least half a pound of hair (hopefully).

9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the
scale (air has to weigh something, right?).

10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding
onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other
foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this
takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two
pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.