JOKES
When a young couple who never flew before came up to the reservationist and requested their ticket to Indianapolis-- she said: "Oh and will you be flying United?" 
The man replied right away: "No, I believe we'll just take individual seats this time."
When we moved into our new home, the first one we owned rather than rented, two of my husband's friends gave him a
bottle of champagne.
In the hustle and bustle of getting settled, the gift was tucked away and temporarily forgotten.
Three months later we held a Christening party for our third child.
Champagne flowed in celebration until, running short, we remembered our housewarming gift.
In front of our guests, I opened the attached card and read it aloud, "Donald, take good care of this one, it's yours!"
There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for
salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon,
life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
 "My God, Pepe" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree !!! We're saved!!!"
 "You're right" says Pepe, "Praise the Lord!"
 So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to! within five feet of the
tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand,
and calls across to the dying Pepe.
 "Pepe, Pepe - what happened?"....
 With his dying breath Pepe calls out ... .Ugh, run , run ! ... it wasn't a Bacon Tree it was a........Ham Bush
In California, there's a 6-month waiting period for filing for divorce, but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun. It's nice to
know the government is giving us advice on how to work out our problems.
A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change
something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). 
The Customer Service Representative told her that J.C. Penney would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens. 
The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."
A 97-year-old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital.
After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts, the old lady was pronounced dead.
The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year-old daughter that her mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
Contrary to popular belief, most blondes do indeed know the value of a dollar.   The other day a blonde from Atlanta had her car break down.  The tow truck driver charged her $ 65.00 to take the car to the garage less than 10 miles away.
When she told her husband that evening, he said that the driver had taken advantage of her.
She said, "I thought so.  But I made him earn it.  I kept the brakes on all the way."
In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror.
But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear.
One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.
 The brunette goes first.
"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears. The redhead goes up to try.
"I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears. The blonde goes up.
"I think--"
"POOF!"
Did you hear about the 55 whales who beached themselves on the shore of the Florida Keys?
Officials have acknowledged only 54 actually washed ashore, apologizing to Senator Ted Kennedy who was sunbathing at
the time.
The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn.
"Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.
"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your
chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man.  "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.  I've been trying to do that for years!
After dinner one evening George W. Bush was entertaining a house guest by playing the piano.
At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said: "I understand you love music."
"Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never you mind. Keep right on playing."
Two Romanian burglars who put socks on their hands to avoid leaving fingerprints have been sniffed out by a police dog. They were caught only a few hours after their raid on a mobile phone shop in Iasi. Police believe the dog tracked them down from the smell of their socks which were still in their pockets.
In 1998, a guard was caught smuggling a wad of money in his underpants out of a bank in Atlanta when a tiny security-dye capsule
exploded, blowing a hole in his trousers.
After trying a new shampoo for the first time. A guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.  Several weeks
later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.
"Well, what do you think" his wife asked smiling.
"Next time," he replied.  "I'm writing to General Motors!
When an express train to London made an unscheduled stop at Reading, the philosopher, C.E.M. Joad, climbed aboard.
"You've got to get off sir," the conductor told him, "this train doesn't stop here." Replied Joad, "In that case, don't worry, I'm not on it.'
When I discovered my first gray hair I immediately wrote to my parents: "Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps.
You might want to experience this with me too." I taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it.
My father's response, titled "Sonnet to a Hair," began: "It's a trustworthy observation...That nothing can compare...In the process of aging...With finding the first gray hair..."   He signed off with this observation: "That gray hair you sent us is not the first one you gave us!"
There were these two snake buddies slithering along through the grass when one asked his friend:
"Thay, are we poisonous?"
And his friend answered:
"Yes, very.  Why do you ask?"
And the first explains: " I jutht bit my tongue."
Boss: I notice you go out and get your hair cut during business hours. 
Employee: My hair grows during business hours.
Boss: But it doesn't all grow during business hours.
Employee: I didn't get it all cut.
The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied passenger paused to congratulate the flight attendant.
"Stewardess," he said happily, "I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time. It's not often that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will. I'm going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am."
"Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answered, "but I think you should know--this is yesterday's flight."
Scott and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test.  They each found the test a breeze,
except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge
of a plant."
"How did you answer that last one?" asked Scott. "I was a bit puzzled at first, but then I thought of Superintendent."
"I think I got it right too," said Pete, "but I wrote down Horticulturist."
A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
The bartender asks, "Where did you get that?"
The frog says, "Would you believe it started out as a wart on my bum!"
Scrawled across the dorm wall were the words, "Question Everything!"   A couple of days later someone added one
word... "Why?"
At a government function in the nineteen-twenties, a young lady approached President Coolidge and said with much enthusiasm, "Oh, Mr. President, I have made a wager with a friend of mine that if I met you I could persuade you to say more than two words to me. Could you please?"
And Coolidge, without expression replied, "You lose."
"My children and I visit my Grandparent's house at least once a week.
My two year old daughter calls them Nanny and Poppy. Poppy always finds things around his house for her to play with, and this time he gave her magnets. She thought they were GREAT! The next day we were at the supermarket waiting in line to checkout, when my daughter says (very loudly), "Let's go back to Poppy's house and play with his Maggots!" I almost died!" - Embarrassing Moments
When I was a medical student my 'Firm' was about to start our psychiatry rotation.  On the first day we turned up on the
Psychiatric ward a bit worried about how we may find it, having heard rumours as you do.
We were quite relieved when the Registrar, Dr Smith,  introduced himself and took us into the teaching room to tell us about all
the patients on the ward; he did a good job.
Unfortunately our fears returned after 1/2 hour when the proper registrar arrived and introduced us to *Dr Smith* who was infact
one of the patients himself.......
I was standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach.
Thinking I was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, my girlfriend commented, "I don't think that is going to help."
 "Sure it does," I said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers"
A UK university course in the study of soap operas has flopped because it clashes with Eastenders and Emmerdale.  Sunderland
University recruited Hollyoaks scriptwriter Mark Holloway to deliver lectures on soaps during a 10-week course.  So far, no-one has enrolled on the course set for Thursday nights between 6.30 and 8.30 - when the two soaps are broadcast.
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of
the service. However, the first man to arrive was a total stranger.
"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister.
"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang.  In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed
for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook.
As it fell, it hit the family dog, which leaped up, howling and barking. The woman's three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colourful words. She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband's voice on the other end say, "Nobody's said hello yet, but I'm positive I have the right number."
A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service and asked for some 'pepper'.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.
She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was just about to finish, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!  My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL"!"
After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded parking lot.  Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able to locate my vehicle easily.
Wow," the woman said.  "I sure could use a gadget like that to help me find my car."
"Actually," I replied, "that's my husband."
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"
Some teachers at state universities get to know our students fairly well. One instructor told his communications class of his plans to propose marriage. A student spoke up and said that he had recently asked his girlfriend to marry him as well.
"What was her answer?" the instructor asked.
"I don't know," the student replied. "She hasn't e-mailed me back yet."
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"
Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"
"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.
After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn  was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."
A man goes to the eye doctor.
The receptionist asks him why he is there.
The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to
pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
My mother taught me logic:
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Little  Johnny's Father asked how much his last date had cost.
Little Johnny calculated a minute then replied,"Oh, about $15 or so I think."
"Well," said his Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."
"To be honest Dad," Little Johnny went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."
One night a man - who was in no shape to drive - wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily
along the road, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
"And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
My husband's skills with do-it-yourself home repairs are at best mediocre. After spending several evenings trying to fix a leak in the bathroom, he finally admitted defeat and called a plumber, who finished the job in ten minutes.
Watching him put away his equipment, my son asked what had been the problem.
"Well," the plumber replied, "seems that your father got hold of some tools. . . ."
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
 The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
 The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
 "How?" asks the man, puzzled.
 "Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."
The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday. When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind.   When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness. 
"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.
 "It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain!"
This is a mid 1800's help wanted sign for the Pony Express. "Wanted: Young, skinny, wiry fellows not over 18. Must be excellent riders, willing to risk death daily. Orphans preferred. Wages are $25.00 a week."
After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered the troops.  "People," he said, "I've just been informed that we're going to be having a fire sale." "A fire sale?" spoke up one agent. "But we sell insurance."  "I said a fire sale, and I meant it," he replied rather  coldly. "Anyone who doesn't make a sale gets fired...."
My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a
local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door.
 Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called. She
wants her sign back!"
I am five feet three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."    While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "This is not the Internet."
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.....
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long
flight came by and asked me where the lift was."Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."    Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up.     "They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
"If you're going to work here young man, " said the boss, "the number two thing you must learn is that we are very
keen on cleanliness in this firm."
"Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?"
"Oh, yes, sir." responded the young man.
"And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat." said the boss.
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the
restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.
"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter,
"what did they say?"
"Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a cat crouched behind a bush.
She watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice.
Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!"
The cat was so terrified that it ran for it's life.
Mother mouse turned to her babies and said,  "Now, do you understand the value of a second language?"
During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach. I called room service and ordered some soda crackers. When I looked at the charge slip, I was furious. I called room service and raged, "I know I'm in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for six crackers is ridiculous!"
"The crackers are complimentary," the voice at the other end coolly explained. "I believe you are complaining about your room number."
The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary.
She ignored the telephone when it rang. "You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.
"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air.
She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the
curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually
just put my car in park."

 
 
 

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