LISTS
| PIPE SPECIFICATIONS
OF THE GOVERNMENT
1. All
pipe is to be made of a long hole,
surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.
2. All
pipe is to be hollow throughout
the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The
I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe
must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will
be
on the outside.
4. All
pipe is to be supplied with nothing
in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a
later date.
5. All
pipe should be supplied without
rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site.
N.B.
Some Vendors are now able to supply
pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is
recommended
as it will save a lot of time on the job site.
6. All
pipe over 500ft (153m) in length
should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the
Contractor
will know it is a long pipe.
7. Pipe
over 2 miles (3.2km) in length
must have the words "long pipe" painted in the middle, so the
Contractor
will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine
whether
or not it is a long pipe.
8. All
pipe over 6" (152mm) in diameter
must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will
not mistake it for small pipe.
9.
Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges
must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the
middle.
10.
When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees
or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand;
otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be
sure to specify to your vendor whether
you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for
going
uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
12. All
couplings should have either right
hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as
the
coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.
|
| THINGS I LEARNED FROM
CHILDREN
If you
hook a dog leash over a ceiling
fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42- pound boy wearing
pound
puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is
strong enough, however, to spread
paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20-foot room.
When
you hear the toilet flush and the
words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
Brake
fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke,
and lots of it.
A
six-year-old can start a fire with a
flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in
the
movies.
If you
use a waterbed as home plate while
wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
A king
size waterbed holds enough water
to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos
will pass through the digestive tract
of a four-year-old.
Super
glue is forever.
McGyver
can teach us many things we don't
want to know.
No
matter how much Jello you put in a swimming
pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool
filters do not like Jello.
VCR's
do not eject PB&J sandwiches
even though TV commercials show they do.
Always
look in the oven before you turn
it on.
The
fire department in San Jose has at
least a 5-minute response time.
The
spin cycle on the washing machine does
not make earth worms dizzy.
It will
however make cats dizzy.
Cats
throw up twice their body weight when
dizzy.
|
| CHURCH BLOOPERS
The
eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church
basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation
is invited to attend this tragedy.
The concert held in Fellowship
Hall was a great success. Special thanks
are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at
the
piano, which as usual fell upon her.
22 members
were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs.
Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang
a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
On a church bulletin during the
minister's illness:
GOD IS GOOD. Dr. Hargreaves is better.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church
secretary.
8 new choir
robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The choir invites any member of
the congregation who enjoys sinning
to join the choir.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large
double door at
the side entrance.
Scouts are
saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has
enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people
who are not afflicted with any church.
The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at
10. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is
done.
Evening massage - 6 p.m.
The Pastor
would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of
the recession.
Low
Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 to 8:30 p.m.
Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without
musical accomplishment.
The Rev.
Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will preach his
farewell message, after which the choir will
sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning
service. The
pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Due to the
Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued
until further notice.
The music for today's service was
all composed by George Friedrich Handel
in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
|
| RULES FOR WOMEN (PART 2 OF 2)
. You
can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say
whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and
neither do we.
1. The
relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months
we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to
your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors,
like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not
mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about
you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and
you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not
worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
1. When we
have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're
thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have
too many shoes.
1. Foreign films are best left to
foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee
or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what
they're saying anyway.)
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take
the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as
exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. Thank you for reading this;
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on
the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's
like
camping.
1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
|
| Tt." |
| E" |
| QUICKIES (PART 2 OF 2)
16. He
often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are
numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it
taint mine.
19. A boiled
egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory
that was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short
fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.
23. Those who get too big for
their britches will be exposed in the
end.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a
mall.
25. Those who
jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first
strands of gray hair, she thought
she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to- know basis.
28. Santa's
helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well
done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony
of defeat.
31. The poor
guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle
of himself.
32. Hear about the man who ran
into a screen door and strained himself.
|
|
OCCUPATIONAL HYMNS
The
Dentist's Hymn.............Crown Him With Many Crowns
The
Weatherman's Hymn..........There Shall Be Showers of Blessing
The
Contractor's Hymn..........The Church's One Foundation
The
Tailor's Hymn..............Holy, Holy, Holy
The
Golfer's Hymn..............There is A Green Hill Far Away
The
Politician's Hymn..........Standing on the Promises
The
Optometrist's Hymn.........Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS
Agent's Hymn...........I Surrender All
The
Gossip's Hymn..............Pass It On
The
Electrician's Hymn.........Send the Light
The
Shopper's Hymn.............Sweet By and By
The
Realtor's Hymn.........I've Got A Mansion Just Over the Hilltop
The
Pilot's Hymn...............I'll Fly Away
The
Paramedic's Hymn...........Revive Us Again
The
Judge's Hymn...............Almost Persuaded
The
Psychiatrist's Hymn........Just a Little Talk With Jesus
The
Architect's Hymn...........How Firm A Foundation
The Credit
Card Telemarketer's Hymn.....A Charge To Keep I Have
The
Zookeeper's Hymn...........All Creatures of Our God & King
The Postal
Worker's Hymn.......So Send I You
The
Waiter's Hymn..............Fill My Cup, Lord
The
Gardener's Hymn............Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming
The
Lifeguard's Hymn...........Rescue the Perishing
The
Criminal's Hymn............Search Me, O God
The
Baker's Hymn...............When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder
The Shoe
Repairer's Hymn.......It Is Well With My Soul
The Travel
Agent's Hymn........Anywhere With Jesus
The
Geologist's Hymn...........Rock of Ages
The
Haematologist's Hymn.......Are You Washed in the Blood?
The Mens'
Wear Clerk's Hymn....Blest Be the Tie
The
Umpire's Hymn..............I Need No Other Argument
The
Librarian's Hymn...........Whispering Hope |
| The Questions”
Why
must people kill
Does it give them a thrill
Why must race divide
Does it bring pride
Why must people pop pills
Does it take their will
Why
must everything we create
destroy
Must such devices be in
our employ
Why is there always war
Must we always be so sore
Why can’t there be a truce
Must it always be a ruse
Why can’t we put the past
behind
Must our minds always be
on rewind
Why is
peace unable to be
reached
Can’t the walls of mistrust
be breached
Why is there pollution
Can’t we create a solution
Why is sex no longer a
blessing
Can’t people wait for a
wedding
Why are there so many tears
Can’t we relieve our fears
Why
must we be a disease
When will our evils cease
Why must people be rude
When will they lose the
attitude
Why can’t humanity pass
the test
When will every man be the
best
|
WHAT TIME IS IT?
On some air bases, the military is on one side of the field and
civilian
aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the
middle.
One day, on just such a field, the tower received a call from an
aircraft
asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.
If you are a commercial airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If you are an Air Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours.
If you are a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If you are an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the
little hand is on the 3.
If you are a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon.
If you are in the National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until
quitting time."
|
THINGS MOM ALWAYS SAID (PART 1 OF 2)
1. Look at me when I'm talking to you.
2. Look at this room! It looks like a pig-sty
3. Money does NOT grow on trees.
4. Never try on anyone eles's glasses or you'll go blind.
5. No child of MINE would do something like that.
6. Nobody asked you
7. Now, say you're sorry..........and MEAN it
8. Put that down! You don't know where it's been
9. Running away? Don't let the door hit you in the rear.
10. Runny away? I'll help you pack
11. Running away? Is that a threat or a promise?
12. shut your outh and eat.
13. So it's raining? You're not sugar you won't melt. |
THINGS MOM ALWAYS SAID (PART 2 OF 2)
14. So what if Bob's mom let him do it. If Bob's mom let him jump of
the Empire State Building would you want me to let you do it too?
15. Someday your face will freeze like that
16. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree
17. There's enough dirt in those ears to grow potatoes
18. Think of those poor children starving in China
19. This hurts me more than it hurts you
20. Turn off that light. Do you think we own the electric company?
21. Watch your language
22. Watch your mouth
23. Well, people in Hades want ice water, but do you see me with a
PITCHER
24. Were you born in a barn? Close that door........and DON'T slam
it
25. What if everyone jumped off a cliff.......would you do it too?
26. What kind of grade is that? You could do much better |
|
Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:
1.You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you
calculated for the planet Vulcan.
2.You recognise more than 4 references on this list.
3.You have no life.
4.You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't
that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
5.Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of
T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk.
6.You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and
crew while they were in the 20th century
looking for a whale.
7.Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon
and torture you for information.
8.You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the
Enterprise.
9.You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
10.You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green
Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.A |
NTERESTING FACTS ABOUT TEAS (PART 1 OF 2)
Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
Roadrunners don't say "Beep Beep."
There are 5,000 types of snakes, and 4,998 live in Texas.
There are 10,000 types of spiders, and 10,001 live in Texas.
Armadillos love to dig holes under tomato plants.
Racoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are
ripe.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.
There are valid reasons for some people to put concertina wire around
their house.
You cannot find a country road without a curve from corner to corner.
A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
Texas has 5 seasons:
Spring - Feb 16 to April 15
Summer - April 16 to July 15 (temp
90 to 98 degrees)
Super Summer - July 16 to
Sept 10 (temp 100 to 115 degrees)
Summer - Sept. 11 to Oct 1 (temp
90 to 98 degrees)
Fall - Oct 2 to Dec. 1
Winter - Dec. 2 to Feb 15
The wind blows at 90 MPH from Oct. 2 until July 15, then it stops
totally.
INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT TEXAS (PART 2 OF 2)
"Onced" and "Twiced" are words.
It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
Graduating 1st in your class means you left in the 8th grade.
"Coldbeer" is one word.
People actually grow and eat Okra.
Texans really don't have an accent.
When the world ends, only cockroaches and mesquite trees will survive.
Green grass DOES burn.
When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. City
people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.
The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first
couple of weeks.
When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to go
to the doctor.
"Fixinto" is one word.
A tank is a dirt hole in the ground that holds drinkin' water for your
cows.
"Backards" and "Forards" means I know everything about you.
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time
it is.
You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
Texans will laugh harder at this than anyone else because we all KNOW
these facts are true!!!
|
WARNING SIGNS OF INSANITY
Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that
you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends
you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of
evil dandruff spirits.
Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you
through
that scuba mask.
You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
stepped
on as a child, and worry that their ancestors
are going to one day seek revenge.
You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they
weren't rescued.
You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
You have a serious fear of fabric softener.
Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched
on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
Melba toast excites you.
When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room
to tell him because "the napkins have ears."
You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala
or to be loved by an infectious disease.
You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and
pretend
that you're a stalk.
People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a
violation
of your rights as a boysenberry.
You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment
to the toaster keeps you from joining them.
The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you. |
C H I L D R E N
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and
talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing
the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.
- Chinese Proverb.
Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly
wouldn't have paid for me.
Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word
for word what you shouldn't have said.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself
that there are children more awful than your own.
We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. |
THE TEN MOST COMMON FORMS OF OFFICE ILLENSS
1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.
2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.
3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable
Stomach Pains.
4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's
Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious
Infection.
5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too
Contagious
To Come In To The Office Disease.
6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening
appointments Bout of Influenza.
7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want
a Day Off Sickness.
8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager
Again General Ailment.
9. The I've Messed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the
Music Terminal Illness.
10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and
the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity. |
THE TOOTH FAIRY
Dear _________________ :
Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.
While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case
of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your
request
for the following reason(s) indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for
appropriate
action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth
fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time
of our visit
( ) no night light was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory,
or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull
attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other:
Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the
future.
Sincerely,
The Tooth Fairy |
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS
1) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an
aerobics
class pulls a hamstring.
2) Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down
and forget where they left them.
3) One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a
woman gain 5 LBS.
4) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
5) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
6) The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't
know what you're doing, someone else does.
7) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then,
your body and your fat are really good friends.
8) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
9) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain
consciousness.
10) I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing
together
and setting my pantyhose on fire.
11) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and
it shrinks two sizes!
12) Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like,
"You know sometimes I just forget to eat," Now I've forgotten my
address,
my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to
eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
13) A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills.
She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
14) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't
all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I
said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous
toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and
die."
15) The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing (and then they marry him.)
16) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are
eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they
kidding?
That is my idea of a perfect day.
17) I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older
than 30 can fit into their stuff.
18) If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing
neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your
neck? |
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
This is the answering machine message the Pacific Palisades High School
(California) Staff voted to record on their school telephone
answering
system. Too bad they can't actually use it...
This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students
and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing
homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want
their
children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those
children
were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not
complete enough school work to pass their classes.
This was voted unanimously by the office staff as the actual
answering machine message for the school :-
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your
school.
In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please
listen
to all your options before making a selection:-
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in
your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you -Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be
accountable
and responsible for his/ her own behavior, class work, homework, and
that
it's not the teachers' fault for your children's lack of effort... hang
up and have a nice day!" |
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and you will be
